Throughout my life I’ve experienced significant anxiety, from general worry about even the smallest of things, to at my worst experiencing physical symptoms including vomiting, nightmares, panic attacks and IBS.
I used to regularly cancel social events because I couldn’t face the uncertainty of socialising, or meeting new people and going to new places.
I didn’t date because I worried so much about what the other person would think of me, whether they’d find me attractive or whether I’d say something stupid to put them off.
I experienced chronic imposter syndrome in my work and would worry that sooner or later, my bosses would discover that I wasn’t really any good at my job and then my career (one I didn’t like anyway) would be over. It stopped me putting myself forwards for promotions or ever stepping into the spotlight.
When I write this down I realise just how excruciatingly painful my day to day experience used to be.
And stress made it 100 times worse.
The bitter divorce of my parents, being in abusive relationships and the death of both of my parents, sent my anxiety through the roof and at times, life just felt unbearable.
Yet if it weren’t for those stressful experiences, you’d never have known the thoughts that rattled through my mind, because I did a fabulous good job of hiding them under false confidence, pretending to be ok, or pretending to be who I thought others wanted me to be.
Sometimes this worked, but honestly, it was exhausting and over time, I realised the huge flaw in my strategy.
I was living a lie.
I wanted to be like everyone else, but I wasn’t.
No one knew what was really going on in my mind and I felt completely alone and isolated.
I constantly compared myself to others and felt I was falling short. The perfectionist in me was striving for perfection, even though it never really existed.
Over the years I tried so hard to pretend that I was confident and self-assured yet I was so disconnected from my inner world and I didn’t even realise a different way was possible.
I drank or did drugs in social situations to give the illusion of confidence.
I was a chronic people pleaser; adapting and changing myself to suit my audience.
I hid the shame of my inner saboteur who told me how useless I was and when the destructive thoughts became deafening, I would retreat from the world completely, distance from friends and family and shut myself away until I could muster up the energy to connect with the world again.
what an exhausting period of my life that was!
In 2017 as I navigated the grief of my Mum’s death, I realised I just couldn’t hide how I was feeling anymore, I knew that something needed to change and I began a journey of deep self-discovery.
I’d tried various solutions before, from counselling to hypnotherapy and everything in between and they had all helped me to manage my anxiety, but it wasn’t until my parents died that I saw just how destructive the voice in my head really was.
The inner critic who judged every move I made was ruling the show and stopping me from living my life.
I didn’t know who I was or where I belonged and this became so much more evident after the death of my parents, who’d been my anchor and my source of validation my entire life.
Realising I didn’t know myself or have a strong sense of identity was a very profound moment for me and I started to see that the only way I would move past this pattern, would be figure out who I really was.
The real me.
The me that had been kept locked away for so long, for fear of rejection and abandonment.
So I started taking steps towards freedom from my anxiety:
Learning to befriend the critical part of me, to give it space to exist and be heard, but not let it drive.
Being more honest about my day-to-day experiences and shining a light on the parts of me that had been hidden.
Learning to support, encourage and motivate myself rather than looking for outside validation of my worth (which I never really believed anyway).
Feeling love and compassion for myself when things didn’t go the way I’d planned and not abandoning myself at times when I really needed to offer myself support.
Acknowledging my feelings and giving myself permission to feel ANY way I needed.
Learning about what I love, don’t love, what makes me angry, passionate, sad, happy… really learning about all aspects of me AND accepting all parts as essential and valid parts of me.
What I didn’t realise at the time, but have since learned is that in the process of learning to like, appreciate and encourage myself and to have faith and trust in myself to be able to create the life I want, I also cultivated a skill that I never realised I needed.
The ability to take personal responsibility for everything that exists in my life.
This can be a hard pill to swallow at first.
If you want to create something new for yourself, then you must be willing to take personal responsibility for creating it.
If there is something that exists in your life that you don’t like, then you must be willing to take personal responsibility for changing it.
If there is a repetitive pattern in your life that isn’t serving you, you must be willing to take personal responsibility for allowing it to continue AND for deciding that it needs to stop.
The list goes on…
Only from this place, can you access the answers you need to change your circumstances - whether that’s working on changing patterns of behaviour, shifting beliefs, acknowledging emotions or simply changing some external aspects of your life to better reflect the life you want to live.
It all starts with you, Taking full responsibility
This is especially important if; like me, you’re someone who often feels a victim of your own circumstances.
The byproduct of taking responsibility is that you’ll be able to keep moving forwards because you know you have the answers to the questions you’re asking - they’re already inside of you, you just need to tune in and listen..
Challenges and setbacks aren’t just there to cause us pain and discomfort, they’re often excellent opportunities to shift our thinking and accelerate our growth and expansion.
Unexpected Benefits
For many years I believed that I would always have anxiety and that I would be plagued with self-doubt and worry forever. However, by strengthening my relationship with myself, my anxiety, worry and fear have reduced so significantly, that I am now free to show up as the real me and embrace life fully.
Relief from my anxiety has made the journey and any setbacks SO worthwhile.
And I’ve also realised just how many things I can do to help myself along the way.
Because here’s the truth.
In your world, you ARE the most important person.
You’re like the CEO of you and if you don’t look after you, the cycle of anxiety will continue forever and will rule your life.
You wouldn’t live in a house with weak foundations and the relationship with you is your foundation for life - the one that will give you the strongest foundations upon which to build your happiest future.
If you’d like to begin creating freedom from your anxiety, then book an initial discovery call using the link below and let’s get started: