I was recently asked to write an article for Bridal Indulgence, focusing on navigating the loss of your Mum whilst planning your wedding. The article provides suggestions for managing this difficult situation and is focused primarily on weddings, but is relevant no matter what significant life event you may be facing…
Thanks to Disney, many of us grew up with a fairytale idea of our dream wedding. From the dress, the venue, the bridesmaids and the flowers, all the way to Prince Charming. But even if you’ve never spent time dreaming, you may still have made certain assumptions:
That the significant people would be there.
That planning the wedding would be a joyous and fun experience.
In reality, many of us are navigating less than perfect circumstances and having to consider factors that aren’t easy... both of which impact on the enjoyment of planning a wedding.
One of the hardest things for many brides to navigate, is the absence of their Mum on their wedding day.
Important milestones like engagements, weddings and children, can act as stark reminders of the loss of important people and this can lead to feelings of grief, loneliness, isolation and even resentment.
When I lost both parents in my early thirties, it quickly became apparent that many of my assumptions were no longer true. My parents wouldn't be present for my wedding, or to see my future children and this might impact on my enjoyment of planning my special day.
The experience of navigating the loss of my family nucleus and the loss of some of my hopes and dreams, helped me to understand the challenges that many brides face.
As a coach, supporting women struggling with feelings of loss and grief, including those embarking on the process of planning their wedding, I’ve found that these important milestones can be challenging, especially when navigating significant losses in our lives.
To support you, I’ve put together some practical strategies so that you can reclaim some of your power. My hope is that these tips will help you to feel calmer and free to enjoy the process of planning your wedding.
Give Yourself Permission
Its normal and natural to feel sadness, disappointment and devastation when someone we love dies. Whilst we also feel elated and over the moon about getting married, it doesn’t make those feelings any less real. Emotions are fluid and you can feel the deepest joy about getting married and the deepest sadness at not having the wedding you imagined.
If we tell ourselves we ‘should’ only be feeling happiness and joy when that isn't the reality, it can lead to feelings of shame and guilt. Give yourself permission to feel what you want when you want and for that to be OK. Always.Create a Support Network
It’s wonderful, beautiful and joyous that you’re getting married. It’s also shit that your Mum won’t be there with you. That's the reality and experiencing conflicting emotions, can feel confusing and overwhelming.
Many of us mastered the art of ‘keeping busy’ in times of stress long before we began planning our weddings. We do our best to avoid acknowledging how we’re truly feeling, especially if it’s painful or we have judgement around whether it’s ok to feel the way we do... Avoidance can seem a pretty good solution.But grief is that thorn in your side that will force you to notice it. Ignoring your feelings or rejecting the truth won’t make the feelings go away. Instead, the pressure cooker of emotions will most likely reach boiling point, which can lead to outbursts of anger and general irritability, often causing conflict in our most treasured relationships.
One of the most effective methods to work with difficult emotions is to bring them to light by sharing them. A great way of doing this safely is to have a support network. This could be your partner, a close friend, a local support group, bereavement counsellor or coach.
An essential element of a support network is simply for the other person to listen. No opinions, no judgement, just a sounding board for you. This is so that you can be honest, vent if you need to and own how you’re feeling. We often attach judgement to our thoughts and feelings, so when we can be brave enough to share our feelings with others, we start to see that we're not alone... and that our darkest thoughts weren’t as controversial as they appeared in our minds.This isn’t about trying to change how you’re feeling or fix you, because the truth is, there’s nothing wrong with you. This is giving yourself permission to speak your truth with no shame or judgement. It can feel vulnerable to share in this way, but the benefit is that you no longer have to be alone with your feelings. You get to have all parts of you accepted. By talking about your feelings of loss, you’re also processing some of your grief, which is healthy. And necessary.
If you can’t talk about your feelings, journaling your thoughts can also be an effective method for processing difficult and conflicting emotions.
Simply grab a journal and spend some time (15-20 minutes) writing about how you feel. Don’t judge it. Give yourself permission for whatever you feel to be completely ok. The more we judge our reactions and attempt to deny them, the more discomfort and pain we create for ourselves.
10 Things
Throughout the journey of planning your wedding, there may be elements that feel more difficult and/or stressful. This is completely normal no matter what your situation is. A great way to remedy this is to carve out some time for you that can nourish and nurture you in some way. Some may call this self-care, but to me, it’s offering yourself the same level of kindness and compassion that you would offer to a friend in need.
Write a list of at least 10 things that you love to do but rarely find time for/don’t do often enough or that you know always leave you feeling better/happier/calmer.
Keep the list on the fridge or somewhere easily accessible so that you can take action as often as you need to, or better still, think ahead...
What are some of the things that make you feel anxious or stressed when you think about them? (eg: wedding dress shopping). When you know these things are approaching, block out some time afterwards for you to recharge.
Example:
Run an Epsom salt and bubble bath, light some candles & have your favourite music playing in the background. No phone & no interruptions. Give yourself space to unwind, process the day and let go. When I do this, it leaves me feeling recharged and ready to face the world again.
Whatever your version of nurturing yourself looks like, the key point is that you get to choose and you get to have that time for you. Prioritise it, let people know it’s happening (partners and children) and stay committed to looking after you.
Include Mum
Gone is not forgotten. Many people find that making Mum part of the process of planning their wedding and part of the big day helps to make the process feel more comfortable.
Whether it’s taking a photo with you to your dress fitting so that she can be present in spirit, or saving a space for her at the top table on the day... Having a little space for her to be a part of the day can be an important way of honouring, remembering and acknowledging your mum in your very own way.
There’s so much pressure to think about guests and their enjoyment at the wedding but on this point, do what feels right for you. It's your day after all. You get to choose.
Breathe
When you’re feeling anxious, stressed, worried about what’s to come or when the thought of the loss you’ve experienced feels too much. Stop. Breathe. Breathe again. Breathe again. Repeat.
Breathing is the first thing to be affected by stress. Our breathing gets shallow and tight and by consciously taking time to breath fully, is one of the best ways of decreasing feelings of stress and anxiety. It’s free and our bodies rely on our breath for survival so it’s essential to our wellbeing.
Here’s a simple breath meditation to support you. Do this whenever things feel overwhelming.
Simple Breath Meditation
Sit in a comfortable position. You could sit cross-legged on the floor or on your bed, or simply sit on a chair with your feet flat on the floor.
Ensure your back is fully supported and explore what feels comfortable for you to be able to remain still for a period of time.
Begin to notice your breath. The slow inhale and exhale. Gently close your eyes.
Start to fill your lungs, expanding into the side of the body and then release the breath slowly and fully on the exhale.
On your next inhale, start to slowly count to 4. Hold for a count of 2
Gently exhale to a slow count of 6, keeping the exhale slow and steady. Hold for a count of 2.
Repeat this process, bringing your attention back to counting anytime your mind begins to wander.
After a while, you may wish to stop counting and just keep your attention on the gradual inhale and exhale. If you find yourself getting distracted, just come back to the process above.
Do this for at least 5 minutes anytime you feel overwhelmed, stressed or emotionally tense and notice the difference it makes not just to your state of mind, but also to your nervous system as you consciously give it permission to relax.